Liberals leaving the U.S.

The Manitoba Herald, Canada, as  reported by Clive Runnels, Aug. 6, 2010

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop  the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to  hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.

Canadian  border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

"I  went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,"  said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. "The producer was  cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and  some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I  even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
 
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields.

"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals  still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give  any milk."
 
Canadian hunters are afraid the animal activists may  encounter bears in Canada.

"These people just don't have the normal fear of  bears that Canadians do," said one hunter. "They see them as spokesmen for  responsible campfires, the bears see them as meat."

Officials are  particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian  border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the  border where they are simply left to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one  carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals  have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been  disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian  prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s.

"If they can't identify the accordion player on “The Lawrence Welk Show,” we become very suspicious about their age," an  official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal  immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies.

"I really feel sorry for  American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them,"  an Ottawa resident said. "How many  art-history majors does one country need?"